day #375 no more left to go...

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I for one cannot believe that I reached 375 days.

Am I still a believer? You betcha. As I look ever so closely at the small scar that can barely be seen on left eye brow of the man who makes my heart beat faster I smile and laugh to myself. Is he 'the One' the shaman spoke of? Or is he just another guy who fell off his bicycle as a kid? I might never know but I am glad that I'm giving this relationship a chance and not seeking confirmation (or not) from tarot, psychics, etc. 

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Yes, my jeans still fit (a bit tighter) and this journey has taught me that I need to live my life using my own intuition and know that I have the skills to follow the path that is best for me.

This is my last entry (as far as I can see) and I want to thank my faithful follower. You have given me strength when I have wandered into the free-reading zone and you have always been a friend whom I cherish.

Goodbye for now and maybe forever. I'm off to live my life instead of trying to figure out what will happen next...

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day #333 only 32 left to go...

Is there a significance to my lack of writing for 22 days and the # 333 of today? I'm sure there is but since this blog is about my attempt to let go of my need to know what will happen, when it will happen, where it will happen and not to forget how it will happen. Seems like a lot of energy going towards 'happening' instead of allowing life to be just what it is. 

Lately, I've been studying 'intention' and wonder if my focus on intentions changed the future. Do I need to change the future? Will Life really be that bad if I don't change the future or will the future unfold as it wants. 

For the last 333 days I've done my best to accept that life just is and the days go by whether I like it. Knowing the future is impossible, trying to control the future is ridiculous and having faith that Life will work out requires effort. 

Last week, I took a leap of faith and have challenged myself by journeying to a foreign country where I don't speak the languages (2 qty), unfamiliar with the terrain, and am essentially on my own during the week. I'm slowly adapting to the cold weather (I've lived in perpetual summer for 10yrs) and roaming a city while the snow swirls around challenges me to embrace it as the cold air blows on my face.

With a month left to go I cannot clearly remember starting this journey but do feel the hole within smaller even if I still have questions.

day# 311 only 54 left to go...

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Wow, the holidays make life zoom by without time to do anything but eat, sleep, work, drink, and wonder how 2012 will show itself to be.

The chemistry man seems to have changed his mind. Maybe it was the holidays that softened his stance or maybe it was that I finally fit into my skinny jeans so I no longer cared what he thought. Let's face it, zipping up a pair of too tight jeans can make a girl feel that everything is possible. 

Men? Who cares?

Work? Who cares?

Drama? Who cares?

Wrinkles? Alright, I care...

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Whatever it was he has changed his mind and we are spending more and more time together. The other night he said he does not like the future to be unknown and asked if I thought our relationship will work. I about choked on my rib eye but instead confidently assured him that things would work out perfectly. Why not?

His question made me want to dial the shaman, the psychic who mentioned a love of my life or at the least a capable tarot reader. I used much restraint and have not pursued a seer to reassure me or to tell me to forget about it. This one I'm going to try to do all on my own.

Did I mention he has a scar above his left eye that is hard to see? The shaman's cassette tape is stored away thousands of miles from me which is probably for the best.

It's incredible that I'm on day #311 day with less than 2 months to go. I might still be as kookoo as I've ever but my jeans fit and I am taking this romance one day at a time...

day #275 only 100 to go...

100 days might not seem like much but these days it's been hard. The chemistry man shook me up and letting go has been a challenge. Maybe it's my fragile ego feeling rejected or maybe it's the intense chemistry that I keep remembering. Whatever it is, he's still on my mind. 

Admittedly, I did a numerology compatibility and it is just that, compatible. Wait, he doesn't want a relationship with me so any information is completely irrelevant and is like rubbing salt in the wound. Predictions, reading, or what my friends think just doesn't matter. 

These are moments my addiction whispers in my ear, 'maybe, what if, possibly' or other future thoughts that don't hold any value. Now's the time to dig deeply, get thru the next 100 days and be free, free, free of my addictions. 

For 275 days, I've been figuring out how to incorporate spiritual thought without it leading to predictions. As I type, part of my brain is focused on the words I wish to share, part is wondering if I will still fit into my skinny jeans after the holidays, part of me is wondering if there is such a thing as 'the One' and can someone tell me who he is.

This blog forces me to face my thoughts, allow them to drift by like clouds in the sky instead of clinging to them like chasing the end of a rainbow. 

Will let you know how it goes with the jeans (and the guy - we've agreed to be just friends). Sounds like a hollywood rom com doesn't it?

Enjoy the holidays and I'll be back in the new year to give you an update. I don't know about you but I'm looking forward to Ben finding love...

day #263 only 102 to go...

Well, the holidays have started therefore the eating and drinking has increased. The chemistry man became available so I went there, briefly...

"What are your intentions towards me?" he smiled while stirring the rice. 

"Uhhhhhhh...can you expand on that?" as I gulped down a larger than lady-like sip of chardonnay.

"I think it's a straight forward question. You look shocked. Don't you think it's best to discuss it now rather than later?" still stirring and not making eye contact.

"Uhhhhh...no one has asked me that before. What are your intentions?" thinking I could sneak past having to answer.

"No, you cannot turn the question back to me." smiling with full eye contact.

"Uhhh....I don't know." was honest but yet not.

"When you know please tell me." he said matter of fact while tasting the rice.

"Ok. I can do that." followed by yet another less than lady-like gulp.

Dinner turned to kissing. Night turned to morning (no we didn't). We made plans for another dinner. 

Finally, I was ready to give my answer so I sent him a message saying that I was ready to talk at the next dinner. He responded quickly saying he does not want a relationship, is leaving town soon, does not want to lead me on and wants to spend time together.

My soul was sad, my heart hurt. We've agreed to be friends (without benefits).

Allowing Life to flow is what these last 263 days have been about so this feels like a test and I am trying to see it for what it is instead of running to a psychic to see if he's 'the ONE'. To see if I should leave the door open or look for another door. He shut the door so that means he is not meant to be with me so instead of being sad I'm feeling more and more grateful.

Yes, this blog reminds me that things happen and no prediction in the world can tell me what will occur. Yes, he does have a small scar above his left eye but he is not Scandinavian. I cannot believe the shaman's words from 10 years ago are still rolling around in my thoughts. 

Before I know it, I will have made my last entry to this journey and walk away free of my addiction to predictions while wearing my skinny jeans!