day #275 only 100 to go...

100 days might not seem like much but these days it's been hard. The chemistry man shook me up and letting go has been a challenge. Maybe it's my fragile ego feeling rejected or maybe it's the intense chemistry that I keep remembering. Whatever it is, he's still on my mind. 

Admittedly, I did a numerology compatibility and it is just that, compatible. Wait, he doesn't want a relationship with me so any information is completely irrelevant and is like rubbing salt in the wound. Predictions, reading, or what my friends think just doesn't matter. 

These are moments my addiction whispers in my ear, 'maybe, what if, possibly' or other future thoughts that don't hold any value. Now's the time to dig deeply, get thru the next 100 days and be free, free, free of my addictions. 

For 275 days, I've been figuring out how to incorporate spiritual thought without it leading to predictions. As I type, part of my brain is focused on the words I wish to share, part is wondering if I will still fit into my skinny jeans after the holidays, part of me is wondering if there is such a thing as 'the One' and can someone tell me who he is.

This blog forces me to face my thoughts, allow them to drift by like clouds in the sky instead of clinging to them like chasing the end of a rainbow. 

Will let you know how it goes with the jeans (and the guy - we've agreed to be just friends). Sounds like a hollywood rom com doesn't it?

Enjoy the holidays and I'll be back in the new year to give you an update. I don't know about you but I'm looking forward to Ben finding love...

day #263 only 102 to go...

Well, the holidays have started therefore the eating and drinking has increased. The chemistry man became available so I went there, briefly...

"What are your intentions towards me?" he smiled while stirring the rice. 

"Uhhhhhhh...can you expand on that?" as I gulped down a larger than lady-like sip of chardonnay.

"I think it's a straight forward question. You look shocked. Don't you think it's best to discuss it now rather than later?" still stirring and not making eye contact.

"Uhhhhh...no one has asked me that before. What are your intentions?" thinking I could sneak past having to answer.

"No, you cannot turn the question back to me." smiling with full eye contact.

"Uhhh....I don't know." was honest but yet not.

"When you know please tell me." he said matter of fact while tasting the rice.

"Ok. I can do that." followed by yet another less than lady-like gulp.

Dinner turned to kissing. Night turned to morning (no we didn't). We made plans for another dinner. 

Finally, I was ready to give my answer so I sent him a message saying that I was ready to talk at the next dinner. He responded quickly saying he does not want a relationship, is leaving town soon, does not want to lead me on and wants to spend time together.

My soul was sad, my heart hurt. We've agreed to be friends (without benefits).

Allowing Life to flow is what these last 263 days have been about so this feels like a test and I am trying to see it for what it is instead of running to a psychic to see if he's 'the ONE'. To see if I should leave the door open or look for another door. He shut the door so that means he is not meant to be with me so instead of being sad I'm feeling more and more grateful.

Yes, this blog reminds me that things happen and no prediction in the world can tell me what will occur. Yes, he does have a small scar above his left eye but he is not Scandinavian. I cannot believe the shaman's words from 10 years ago are still rolling around in my thoughts. 

Before I know it, I will have made my last entry to this journey and walk away free of my addiction to predictions while wearing my skinny jeans!

day # 252 only 113 more to go...

Yes, the too tight jeans still fit and it's been over a week. Addiction free is working in many ways. One day at a time.

The chemistry man set me on fire and I keep reminding myself 'what is meant to be will be' and wanting to know the future is irrelevant. Reality is he has someone else so there is no relationship between us - I don't need a psychic to tell me this. I'm disappointed but it's good practice. 

With only 113 more days to go, I can't believe I've made it this far in my journey. I didn't know what to expect, I didn't know how hard it would be and I didn't know how deep my addiction ran. 

It's actually very freeing to be saying goodbye to the future and live in the present. I think I like it.

Time to put on my jeans, a cute sweater and take on the world!

day #179 only 186 to go...

This last week I was frustrated, hormonal and want to know my future.

No, I didn't accept the invite for the palm reader whom they call the Love Doctor. He had 2 one half hour sessions available the other day and to be honest, I was relieved to have been working. 

Palm readings are like chocolate croissants they are tempting but what good do they do me?

day #172 only 193 to go...

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I have less than 200 days to go.

I fit into a pair of pants that were too tight (those pesky jeans are next).

I have an appointment to color my gray.

I am testing anti-aging cremes.

Another year of my life has started and as much as I want to know the future, I am committed to this project. Someone told me that life would be boring if I knew everything. True, so true.

I wish I could say I'm cured but I'm not. If for some reason what the psychic said comes true and my beloved shows up before day 365 I might have to abandon this project. Just kidding. Or am I?

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A customer asked me to read her palm to which I laughed explaining that I have zero skill. If I ever do have a 'message' for someone it's spontaneous and certainly not about the future. She left slightly disappointed then an owner of a crystal/reading/woo woo shop said that she can work via the internet so can travel most anywhere in the world. It made me think of the many people purchasing internet readings be it astrological charts, angel readings, tarot readings or whatever else this young woman offers. It is a profitable business.

I think of how much time, money, effort I've spent looking for answers, a peek into the future and know there are millions of people out there searching for the same. Whether it's putting money into the hands of their priest or paypal for an astrological reading searching for faith is a financial endeavor.

Why are so many of us searching for answers to the unknown?

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I don't know why but just like chocolate croissants, I've cut back in hopes of becoming healthier, thinner and happier. I don't know if freeing myself of predictions and pastries will make me happier in the end but it's certainly worth a try...

Thank you for listening to my addiction as it speaks to you. Thank you for laughing with me and not at me.

I'll be sure to tell you when I can get into those too tight jeans.

day #158 only 207 to go...

I'm almost to the 1/2 way point. It's been a long hard few months and as much as I direct my thoughts to the fulfilling outcome I want for my life, the fears creep in. If a psychic were to tell me that my future is lonely (which they probably wouldn't) it won't do me any good to hear it so this is yet another reason to be prediction free. 

Last nite I confessed to a friend about this blog. I listened to myself over explain it as I tried not to be defensive. I laughed at the uncomfortable moments and felt myself cringe when she said "you know it's all bullshit, right?"

I defended my addiction by giving an example of a prediction that came true. Remember, the palm reader who told me my ex-husband would propose to me again in 3 years? He did exactly that and to the month. Ha. That justifies my addiction doesn't it? Granted that's one of the very few events I've been told of that came true but hey, it happened. Clinging to it lets me know that my addiction is alive and well.

Although I know it's foolish to dream of a future that is unknown but I still hope to meet my Beloved, travel Down Under, write as I sit on my porch overlooking the ocean, have a business card titled 'writer, athlete, business networking', spend time with teenagers and enjoy my Beloved as he comes and goes from my home (btw we'll have 2 homes). According to the psychic from 3 1/2 years ago this will happen within 3-5 years so maybe just maybe it will come true. Then I can yell to the world "see addictions really do come true!"

Until then it's best to enjoy the moment, treat myself and others with love and kindness (okay, I'm not always successful with this), and allow the future to be what it will as I come to terms with my addiction.

Just like with predictions, I've cut back on chocolate croissants so that when I meet my Beloved I'll be in my too tight jeans. Ha ha, just kidding (about him but not about my big arse). Wish me luck...

day #145 only 220 more to go...

369 days ago I had hopes of a romantic future though it was at the time a bit uncertain due to the lack of enthusiasm by the other party. It threw me into obsessive readings which for the most part raised my highs when they appeared to be hopeful and took me to dark places when they looked hopeless. Up and down I went until 145 days ago when I admitted to myself that I'm addicted to predictions and started this journey.

Some days are hard and others I don't give it any thought. Today is a hard one.

Doesn't Life always work out one way or the other? 

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This is where the struggle between 'fate and destiny' vs. 'free will' is for me. I might never sort that out in my head so throwing my hands up and letting go is really my only option. Just as Spartacus did in the season finale as he and his fellow slaves freed themselves of their masters by killing them all. He did not throw his hands up and give up he took change upon himself by following his inner truth, standing up for what he felt was right and just. 

Do my actions create a chain of events? Or was my destiny set long ago? These questions have been asked since the beginning of time and have created a multi-zillion dollar spiritual industry. Thank goodness for the free sites especially in this economy.

So, on day #145, I feel the anger and disappointment of my experience. My birthday just passed and I wonder what my future is as a next year of my life starts offers me new experiences to embrace and a pair of jeans that are going to fit.

Thank you for your support...

day #125 only 240 more to go...

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Has it really been 8 days? Maybe that's the secret to life = stay busy. If I'm busy then there's no time to dream of what was, what is (wait that won't work), what will be. I doubt the 'big thinkers' of history (or now) have full time jobs, commute, spouses, parents, siblings, friends, children, email, text messages, sports, mow the lawn, trim the trees, clean the bathrooms, cook, watch the bachelorette and a few select housewives of where ever and are over due for an oil change.

I don't have all on the above list and don't know how many of my friends do it. I asked my boss if he ever sleeps with 4 kids, wife, dog, chickens, full time job, 2 gardens, 2 to-do lists (work/home), sports and everything else. He laughed and said when he can he does. According to Oprah one way to look 20 years younger is to sleep. I don't need a psychic to confirm that.

In psychic school they should teach that when they see life ending in 'that crazy cat lady' they should tell her that she will look 20 years younger than most women and will be surrounded with animals that will offer unconditional love. Sounds great doesn't it?

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Years ago, I asked a palm reader if I would have kids. Her pause was loooong as she looked at my face then back to my hand and said, "if you decide to". I walked away thinking she didn't earn that $10. In my late 20's I realized she was right then in my 30's I realized she was right until I 'decided to' and it didn't happen. Now in my 40's I doubt it's possible.

Let me (again) quote my very wise friend, "no one can predict the future because it's always changing". Obviously, I struggle with this concept but I'm getting there with only 240 days to go and maybe in the end I'll even fit into my skinny jeans.

Here kitty, kitty...

day #117 only 248 more to go...

Ever wish there was a Eckhart Tolle or Wayne Dyer or Dalai Lama or Santa Hotline? Not just a website, podcast, tweet, or a daily affirmation email but a real hotline. "Hey, it's me and I'm having serious spiritual crisis today." My guess it would be a phone tree - "Press # for Eckhart". This would lead to "press 1 for living in the moment assistance. Press 2 for pain body assistance. Press 3 for ego assistance. Press 0 to discover inner space (which would be total silence until you couldn't take it any more and hung up or until the crisis passed).

The above thoughts led me to discover the Vatican Hotline which they claim "...when callers dial the Vatican switchboard anytime of day or night, a recorded voice will not ask them to press the pound key or hold; instead, they will talk to a human being who will tactfully and efficiently handle every call..." Now, that's a spiritual commitment.

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These last 6 days have been busy but that doesn't mean my mind hasn't had a few opportunities to wonder what it's all about. Of course, I have no idea that's why I'm prone to wanting to know the future. If you know me, you know I'm easy going, flexible and able to go with the flow so obviously there's an inner conflict. It's like when I stare at the chocolate croissants inhaling their intoxicating scent and hear 'you only live once.' Then as I reach for one I hear 'you have a pair of jeans that won't zip.' This is one time I don't need a psychic to tell me that too many chocolate croissants will make me fat. 

I admit that I have the psychic's phone number of 3yrs ago (no, it's not on speed dial) but I did delete the ex's even though I thought he was the man she said would love me. If I had a fancier phone I might have her contact photo though I doubt she looks so stereotypical. 

I haven't watched the out-takes of the Bachelorette when she and Lucas speak to a psychic. We all knew he would be rose-less sooner or later. 

Thanks for letting me talk about it, thanks for your support and thanks for helping me keep it real when it needs to be...

day #111 only 254 more to go...

Another 7 days and I'm still on track. Today, I enjoyed a couple hours of my favorite sport and feel better though the week has had some melancholia. Seems it's been going around maybe it's the summer time blues though that is supposed to happen in the winter. I don't know guess it's just part of life. 

My friend gave up predictions before I did and wisely told me up 'no one can predict the future because there are so many options.'

Maybe there are no answers and questions just perpetuate the circle of unknowns. How does someone know what will happen for someone else? 

It might not be about addiction to predictions maybe it's about wanting control. Think I might be getting somewhere with all of this.

Control is an illusion but my too tight jeans sure aren't...

day #104 only 261 more to go...

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Wow, it's already been a week. At my age time ticks by as if a day lasts a second. This week I worked + 40hrs which didn't give me much time for sports. I think it's sports that make me sane because I have been depressed the last few days. Guess all there is to do is accept it. Or ask a psychic what's next. I didn't but the thought sure crossed my mind. 

My thoughts went something like this:

"Geeze, I'm not happy."
"Hmm, wonder why not."
"Am I doing what makes me happy?"
"Yeah, I guess."
"Is there something different that would make me happy?"

"I do live in paradise, I do like my job, I do love my sports. More $$ would be nice and if my ex would change his mind, love me and want to be with me my life would be happier."

"Can't make him love me. Wonder if I psychic can tell me if we'll reunite. Or at the least tell me there's true love coming my way."

"Oh yeah, there's my addiction to predictions and 261 days still to go. No psychics or a free reading on the zillions of internet sites."

"I do have those unicorn cards for my friend. One little unicorn card can't hurt and I'm not asking about the future I'm asking about the 'now' or 'now-here' which sometimes feels like 'no-where'."

I admit this is breaking the rules but, I feel a bit better knowing there's a unicorn on my side. But, today, not even a unicorn could give me hope for the future so I headed to the spa. One future I can be sure of is one full of wrinkles but I'm not ready to embrace that on quite yet. 

day #97 only 268 more to go...

Seems I've been lacking in entries which doesn't really keep you on the edge of your seat now does it? Trust me, life is still a struggle even after 96 days. 

Instead of predictions I've been reading inspirational quotes from one of those flip note thingies from TUT. My mother is constantly having "ahhhaaaa" moments from him so she wanted to share. I took it to work which has given everyone a bit of joy. I know it doesn't predict the future and some days I admit it's kinda right on but it makes me think about predictions. Just don't read them you say? Well, if it were that easy I wouldn't be here in the first place.

The Bachelorette's search for love makes me wondering if 'The One' exists or if it is a story that Disney once told me as a little girl. Maybe it's 'The Ones' (plural) but no one is willing to admit it.

I'm also into the Ghost Whisperer and let's face it she has the most amazing husband in the entire world. Hollywood has me hooked on love...

I am proud that it's been since ???? that I've indulged in a prediction.

I am not proud that it's been since yesterday that I cried over lost love.

I am proud that I tossed the tarot reader's business card away.

I am not proud that I re-read a psychic reading from 3 years ago (no nothing has come true but then again she gave me a 3-5 year span so there are a couple of years left). 

Don't you just want to shake some sense into me? I sure do...

It's late, surf's up so that means I need to be out of bed before I even like to wake up. That's my life in paradise (well, don't forget my addiction to predictions).

As always, thank you for your support...

day #89 only 276 more to go...

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Whew, mid-June and I'm for the most part still on track. The fried chicken last nite helped though watching the Bachelorette does make me yearn for love. I had a moment last week wondering about 'career' instead of love so I think that is progress though I'm a bit late in thinking about it since I'm no longer in my 20's (or 30's). 

Why wasn't 'career' important to me? I bet an astrologer could tell me. They'd say something like, "looks here like you missed your opportunity to rule the world because you were too busy chasing love." Or, "scattered thoughts means you didn't accomplish anything." If I saw a palm reader they might explain how the fate line is totally broken which has led me everywhere and nowhere. 

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So for now, I'm here. Which if looked at closely = nowhere.

A kind friend assured me that Life's experiences have made me wise and sunblock will help with the wrinkles. 

Wish me luck...

day #82 only 283 more to go...

A random astrologer I met last year at a friend's house informed me:

"If you don't get pregnant in the next 3 months you won't have kids." 

"If this relationship doesn't stick it will be 7yrs. until you find love again."

OMG. No kids AND 7 years without love? Isn't that punishment for breaking a mirror? 

I'm not pregnant and if I have to wait 7 yrs for love I'll be waaaay past baby making days. Depressing. A few friend suggested I get a new astrologer.

I'm having a bad day and as I recalled what this guy said it makes me sad. And to make things worse I googled him and discovered he has credentials and isn't just some kook I met at a dinner party. My boss tells me he'll be here in August and I suggested she keep him away from me because I can't take any more bad news. 

Just another reason to be prediction free. Free to live life for now without expectations of how love will or will not happen. Free to love who, when and where I want without the stresses of if I should or shouldn't. Free to just be.

Thank you for your support.

day #79 only 286 more to go...

Yesterday, I was wondering what's it all about. How did I get here, where am I going, what will happen, is it all planned out already? Maybe free will is an illusion and what will happen just happens no matter what I do. Or is it really up to me?

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One of my friends believes Life is what she makes of it and that it's not destined though she's admittedly hooked on chinese astrology which she uses to explain why things are the way they are. She assures me that because I'm a snake and she an ox we are compatible as friends. Though the other ox in my life has decided that because I'm not doing what he wants of me, he is cutting me out of his life. 

Last night I realized the tarot reader (pre-blog) referred to a manipulative man and I thought it was my ex but it is this friend. Maybe she was on to something, I think I have her card around here somewhere...

At dinner I was advised to find love stop looking. Ugh, how many times has that been said? I kind of agree but at the same time if life is what I make of it how can I get where I want to go without taking control? This is confusing so in the past I've turned to astrology, iching, tarot, runes, psychics, shamans, to assure me I'm on the right path or to tell me I've taken a lengthy detour. 

I'm sure the right road is around here somewhere...

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day #70 only 295 to go...

The problem with my addiction to predictions is that if I write about it then I think about it. If I don't write about it I might not think about it. What, you aren't buying that? Neither am I. 

I have been busy surviving the end of the world (which has been postponed until October) and attempting to date without wondering where it will lead. My attempts have failed as I sat trying to listen to what he was saying but I was either wondering if he's 'the One' or thinking about my last ex. It just wasn't working so I put my date into the 'friend zone' = 'safe zone' then passed him off on a girlfriend letting her know it was chemistry free for me. She said thanks.

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While cleaning my desk, I came across that tarot reading from January (prior to this project). Instead of quickly wadding it up and tossing it into the rubbish I read it. The first card was 'The Fool' which I wrote about a few entries back. I thought about how her answers could have been generic but what about saying there was a contract that needed to be signed by me. At that time I still had not wired my "S"ex's money. I was not ready to let go. Could she see that in my eyes? How did she know? Maybe she guessed my age = average for divorce. 

She commented that I was taking my problems to bed. Doesn't everyone? Probably the dark rings under my eyes or maybe it was the glazed look I had because I had just finished a 9.5hr shift. 

I'm at the door of a new life that leads to financial success. Has a reader ever told anyone they would be broke?

I have a man coming into my life but she wasn't sure for how long. I am single so that's a no brainer. Guess that one came true, he's in the friend zone.

There's a man who's controlling, manipulative and not letting me move on. I'm sure she saw a glint of sadness when she asked if I was in a relationship prior to the reading. Generally, I'm a bit hard to read emotionally but a person keen on body language, etc. can pick up subtle changes. 

Finally, my life will be wonderful. Again, don't they always say that? Oh wait there was that one years ago in Milwaukee who told me if I married and had kids with the guy I was dating at the time I would end up resentful because he's a workaholic (true). Spot on, lady.

The January reading has officially been tossed into the bin because burning it is a fire hazard though a cute fireman might show up. Ahhh, now if I can just toss out the bag of chips (I ate all of the Haagen Dazs).

I'm feeling better already... 

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Two days ago I received an email from my mother offering me a free astrological reading with a reputable astrologer who was giving a seminar. My addiction immediately told me that it was a sign and that my 365 day attempt at sobriety is ridiculous and holding me back from knowing so many wonderful things. I declined. My mom knows nothing of this project. It is her belief system that she raised me on and though I am a mature, intelligent, independent woman who can think for herself I sometimes want to blame it on my mom. 

All week I've picked up A New Earth to snap my brain back into the moment at hand but with the Bachelorette on the road to romance my dreams of happily ever are alive and well. Go, Ashley, go!

If I knew what my life was going to do wouldn't I be bored? Would I avoid pain that I consider unnecessary? OUCH that rose hurt!