day #375 no more left to go...

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I for one cannot believe that I reached 375 days.

Am I still a believer? You betcha. As I look ever so closely at the small scar that can barely be seen on left eye brow of the man who makes my heart beat faster I smile and laugh to myself. Is he 'the One' the shaman spoke of? Or is he just another guy who fell off his bicycle as a kid? I might never know but I am glad that I'm giving this relationship a chance and not seeking confirmation (or not) from tarot, psychics, etc. 

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Yes, my jeans still fit (a bit tighter) and this journey has taught me that I need to live my life using my own intuition and know that I have the skills to follow the path that is best for me.

This is my last entry (as far as I can see) and I want to thank my faithful follower. You have given me strength when I have wandered into the free-reading zone and you have always been a friend whom I cherish.

Goodbye for now and maybe forever. I'm off to live my life instead of trying to figure out what will happen next...

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day #333 only 32 left to go...

Is there a significance to my lack of writing for 22 days and the # 333 of today? I'm sure there is but since this blog is about my attempt to let go of my need to know what will happen, when it will happen, where it will happen and not to forget how it will happen. Seems like a lot of energy going towards 'happening' instead of allowing life to be just what it is. 

Lately, I've been studying 'intention' and wonder if my focus on intentions changed the future. Do I need to change the future? Will Life really be that bad if I don't change the future or will the future unfold as it wants. 

For the last 333 days I've done my best to accept that life just is and the days go by whether I like it. Knowing the future is impossible, trying to control the future is ridiculous and having faith that Life will work out requires effort. 

Last week, I took a leap of faith and have challenged myself by journeying to a foreign country where I don't speak the languages (2 qty), unfamiliar with the terrain, and am essentially on my own during the week. I'm slowly adapting to the cold weather (I've lived in perpetual summer for 10yrs) and roaming a city while the snow swirls around challenges me to embrace it as the cold air blows on my face.

With a month left to go I cannot clearly remember starting this journey but do feel the hole within smaller even if I still have questions.

day# 311 only 54 left to go...

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Wow, the holidays make life zoom by without time to do anything but eat, sleep, work, drink, and wonder how 2012 will show itself to be.

The chemistry man seems to have changed his mind. Maybe it was the holidays that softened his stance or maybe it was that I finally fit into my skinny jeans so I no longer cared what he thought. Let's face it, zipping up a pair of too tight jeans can make a girl feel that everything is possible. 

Men? Who cares?

Work? Who cares?

Drama? Who cares?

Wrinkles? Alright, I care...

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Whatever it was he has changed his mind and we are spending more and more time together. The other night he said he does not like the future to be unknown and asked if I thought our relationship will work. I about choked on my rib eye but instead confidently assured him that things would work out perfectly. Why not?

His question made me want to dial the shaman, the psychic who mentioned a love of my life or at the least a capable tarot reader. I used much restraint and have not pursued a seer to reassure me or to tell me to forget about it. This one I'm going to try to do all on my own.

Did I mention he has a scar above his left eye that is hard to see? The shaman's cassette tape is stored away thousands of miles from me which is probably for the best.

It's incredible that I'm on day #311 day with less than 2 months to go. I might still be as kookoo as I've ever but my jeans fit and I am taking this romance one day at a time...

day #275 only 100 to go...

100 days might not seem like much but these days it's been hard. The chemistry man shook me up and letting go has been a challenge. Maybe it's my fragile ego feeling rejected or maybe it's the intense chemistry that I keep remembering. Whatever it is, he's still on my mind. 

Admittedly, I did a numerology compatibility and it is just that, compatible. Wait, he doesn't want a relationship with me so any information is completely irrelevant and is like rubbing salt in the wound. Predictions, reading, or what my friends think just doesn't matter. 

These are moments my addiction whispers in my ear, 'maybe, what if, possibly' or other future thoughts that don't hold any value. Now's the time to dig deeply, get thru the next 100 days and be free, free, free of my addictions. 

For 275 days, I've been figuring out how to incorporate spiritual thought without it leading to predictions. As I type, part of my brain is focused on the words I wish to share, part is wondering if I will still fit into my skinny jeans after the holidays, part of me is wondering if there is such a thing as 'the One' and can someone tell me who he is.

This blog forces me to face my thoughts, allow them to drift by like clouds in the sky instead of clinging to them like chasing the end of a rainbow. 

Will let you know how it goes with the jeans (and the guy - we've agreed to be just friends). Sounds like a hollywood rom com doesn't it?

Enjoy the holidays and I'll be back in the new year to give you an update. I don't know about you but I'm looking forward to Ben finding love...

day #263 only 102 to go...

Well, the holidays have started therefore the eating and drinking has increased. The chemistry man became available so I went there, briefly...

"What are your intentions towards me?" he smiled while stirring the rice. 

"Uhhhhhhh...can you expand on that?" as I gulped down a larger than lady-like sip of chardonnay.

"I think it's a straight forward question. You look shocked. Don't you think it's best to discuss it now rather than later?" still stirring and not making eye contact.

"Uhhhhh...no one has asked me that before. What are your intentions?" thinking I could sneak past having to answer.

"No, you cannot turn the question back to me." smiling with full eye contact.

"Uhhh....I don't know." was honest but yet not.

"When you know please tell me." he said matter of fact while tasting the rice.

"Ok. I can do that." followed by yet another less than lady-like gulp.

Dinner turned to kissing. Night turned to morning (no we didn't). We made plans for another dinner. 

Finally, I was ready to give my answer so I sent him a message saying that I was ready to talk at the next dinner. He responded quickly saying he does not want a relationship, is leaving town soon, does not want to lead me on and wants to spend time together.

My soul was sad, my heart hurt. We've agreed to be friends (without benefits).

Allowing Life to flow is what these last 263 days have been about so this feels like a test and I am trying to see it for what it is instead of running to a psychic to see if he's 'the ONE'. To see if I should leave the door open or look for another door. He shut the door so that means he is not meant to be with me so instead of being sad I'm feeling more and more grateful.

Yes, this blog reminds me that things happen and no prediction in the world can tell me what will occur. Yes, he does have a small scar above his left eye but he is not Scandinavian. I cannot believe the shaman's words from 10 years ago are still rolling around in my thoughts. 

Before I know it, I will have made my last entry to this journey and walk away free of my addiction to predictions while wearing my skinny jeans!

day # 252 only 113 more to go...

Yes, the too tight jeans still fit and it's been over a week. Addiction free is working in many ways. One day at a time.

The chemistry man set me on fire and I keep reminding myself 'what is meant to be will be' and wanting to know the future is irrelevant. Reality is he has someone else so there is no relationship between us - I don't need a psychic to tell me this. I'm disappointed but it's good practice. 

With only 113 more days to go, I can't believe I've made it this far in my journey. I didn't know what to expect, I didn't know how hard it would be and I didn't know how deep my addiction ran. 

It's actually very freeing to be saying goodbye to the future and live in the present. I think I like it.

Time to put on my jeans, a cute sweater and take on the world!

day #243 only 122 more to go...

Another week has passed and I am still prediction free. Even better news I fit into the jeans that were too tight. Now that's what I call personal progress.

What more is there to say? Maybe being prediction free is fat free...

day # 237 only 128 more to go...

Yes, it's been two weeks and it seems my addiction has less of a hold on me but it still whispers in my ear. Today a friend told me that he is seeing an astrologer to help him with the choices he is currently facing. They can help right?

Last week a different friend told me that she's a Pisces in Ayuvedic Astrology instead of a Scorpio in 'normal' astrology. Woah, that's a big difference. So who is right? How can it be so different?

Halloween found me experiencing chemistry with an acquaintance. It's been a long time since I've felt that and as much as I enjoyed it I realized that I was wondering how he fits into my life. Could be as simple as he helped me feel again.

He is light haired, light eyed, thin, tall(ish) okay not 'tall', from an 's' country though not Scandinavian, and I haven't gotten close enough to see if he has a small scar above his left eye. Yes, the shaman's description is still in my brain.

Admittedly, I checked out our astrological compatibility and it seems like a great match but potentially full of challenge. But then again what relationship isn't? Maybe it's best just to stay friends with this one.

Wohoooo....only 128 more days to go!

day #223 only 142 more to go...

3 convertibles - seems odd doesn't it?

I can't believe I've made it this far. One good thing about being busy is that it keeps me from thinking too much. You know I think too much, right? I can't help it, it's just who I am...

I rolled up to a red light and as I pondered the shade of red knowing it keeps life organized or there might be accidental chaos, I noticed a heart decal and as I looked more closely it was the same initials as my ex. It gave me a bit of a jolt and the randomness (is there such a thing) of the moment made me laugh, shake my head and ask wtf? 

Red light + ex's initials. If it was a 'sign' could it get more clear than that?

Halloween's here and a busy schedule has me re-viving my devil costume. Temptation is what this blog is all about and who better to temp than the devil? Tempting was the offer from the other night and instead of asking the stars what to do, I am now attempting to discern all by myself. Sounds easy? Maybe it's something you've been doing all of your life but me, I usually turned to spiritualists for the answers. Yes, I know that's what got me here.

'The devil made me do it' excuse can only be used just so many times but I think it might work once more. I'll let you know how it goes...

day #205 only 160 more to go...

spells...that's a whole other topic

One day at a time. That's what it's been taking me and as the sunsets I know my life is one more day closer to what I don't know. See, that's why there are psychics, palm readers, free tarot so people can see what they are getting closer to. 

Just finished Power of Intention by Wayne Dyer and it has given me tools that I can use instead of relying on someone else. Granted, it took me 3 months to read but worth it. It suggests that I have the ability to make my life what I want instead of asking someone else how it will end up. Haven't given much practice to his steps because there are so many but just like my addiction to predictions I am moving forward albeit slowly but surely.

Wish I had more to say. I'm feeling freer and freer as the days go by so there is a light at the end...

day #193 only 172 more to go...

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That was a long stretch of no entries and you might have forgotten about me but I'm still at it and stumbling along the path. I'm happy to report that I'm less inclined to cruise the free spiritual sites and have made it more days than are left. Yipeee! 

The Psychic Junkie site has a survey - wonder how the response has been and what they do with the info. No, I did not fill it out though I might discover something about myself.

By not having readings, etc. I'm feeling less anxious because I have less expectations as to how my life will unfold. Maybe it's just my way of trudging through crisis, not feeling alone and needing to know there is hope for the future. Truth is, I'm exhausted by the possibilities all of the readings gave me and how they left me wondering 'why' when it didn't turn out as the readers said it would. I'm guessing there were opportunities I passed up because I was trying to make the psychic's predictions come true. 

This week I start a cleanse so it's off the chocolate croissants which will be tough though  just like being reading-free in the end it will be healthier and maybe just maybe I'll fit into those too tight jeans...

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day #179 only 186 to go...

This last week I was frustrated, hormonal and want to know my future.

No, I didn't accept the invite for the palm reader whom they call the Love Doctor. He had 2 one half hour sessions available the other day and to be honest, I was relieved to have been working. 

Palm readings are like chocolate croissants they are tempting but what good do they do me?

day #172 only 193 to go...

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I have less than 200 days to go.

I fit into a pair of pants that were too tight (those pesky jeans are next).

I have an appointment to color my gray.

I am testing anti-aging cremes.

Another year of my life has started and as much as I want to know the future, I am committed to this project. Someone told me that life would be boring if I knew everything. True, so true.

I wish I could say I'm cured but I'm not. If for some reason what the psychic said comes true and my beloved shows up before day 365 I might have to abandon this project. Just kidding. Or am I?

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A customer asked me to read her palm to which I laughed explaining that I have zero skill. If I ever do have a 'message' for someone it's spontaneous and certainly not about the future. She left slightly disappointed then an owner of a crystal/reading/woo woo shop said that she can work via the internet so can travel most anywhere in the world. It made me think of the many people purchasing internet readings be it astrological charts, angel readings, tarot readings or whatever else this young woman offers. It is a profitable business.

I think of how much time, money, effort I've spent looking for answers, a peek into the future and know there are millions of people out there searching for the same. Whether it's putting money into the hands of their priest or paypal for an astrological reading searching for faith is a financial endeavor.

Why are so many of us searching for answers to the unknown?

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I don't know why but just like chocolate croissants, I've cut back in hopes of becoming healthier, thinner and happier. I don't know if freeing myself of predictions and pastries will make me happier in the end but it's certainly worth a try...

Thank you for listening to my addiction as it speaks to you. Thank you for laughing with me and not at me.

I'll be sure to tell you when I can get into those too tight jeans.

day #158 only 207 to go...

I'm almost to the 1/2 way point. It's been a long hard few months and as much as I direct my thoughts to the fulfilling outcome I want for my life, the fears creep in. If a psychic were to tell me that my future is lonely (which they probably wouldn't) it won't do me any good to hear it so this is yet another reason to be prediction free. 

Last nite I confessed to a friend about this blog. I listened to myself over explain it as I tried not to be defensive. I laughed at the uncomfortable moments and felt myself cringe when she said "you know it's all bullshit, right?"

I defended my addiction by giving an example of a prediction that came true. Remember, the palm reader who told me my ex-husband would propose to me again in 3 years? He did exactly that and to the month. Ha. That justifies my addiction doesn't it? Granted that's one of the very few events I've been told of that came true but hey, it happened. Clinging to it lets me know that my addiction is alive and well.

Although I know it's foolish to dream of a future that is unknown but I still hope to meet my Beloved, travel Down Under, write as I sit on my porch overlooking the ocean, have a business card titled 'writer, athlete, business networking', spend time with teenagers and enjoy my Beloved as he comes and goes from my home (btw we'll have 2 homes). According to the psychic from 3 1/2 years ago this will happen within 3-5 years so maybe just maybe it will come true. Then I can yell to the world "see addictions really do come true!"

Until then it's best to enjoy the moment, treat myself and others with love and kindness (okay, I'm not always successful with this), and allow the future to be what it will as I come to terms with my addiction.

Just like with predictions, I've cut back on chocolate croissants so that when I meet my Beloved I'll be in my too tight jeans. Ha ha, just kidding (about him but not about my big arse). Wish me luck...

day #145 only 220 more to go...

369 days ago I had hopes of a romantic future though it was at the time a bit uncertain due to the lack of enthusiasm by the other party. It threw me into obsessive readings which for the most part raised my highs when they appeared to be hopeful and took me to dark places when they looked hopeless. Up and down I went until 145 days ago when I admitted to myself that I'm addicted to predictions and started this journey.

Some days are hard and others I don't give it any thought. Today is a hard one.

Doesn't Life always work out one way or the other? 

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This is where the struggle between 'fate and destiny' vs. 'free will' is for me. I might never sort that out in my head so throwing my hands up and letting go is really my only option. Just as Spartacus did in the season finale as he and his fellow slaves freed themselves of their masters by killing them all. He did not throw his hands up and give up he took change upon himself by following his inner truth, standing up for what he felt was right and just. 

Do my actions create a chain of events? Or was my destiny set long ago? These questions have been asked since the beginning of time and have created a multi-zillion dollar spiritual industry. Thank goodness for the free sites especially in this economy.

So, on day #145, I feel the anger and disappointment of my experience. My birthday just passed and I wonder what my future is as a next year of my life starts offers me new experiences to embrace and a pair of jeans that are going to fit.

Thank you for your support...

day #125 only 240 more to go...

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Has it really been 8 days? Maybe that's the secret to life = stay busy. If I'm busy then there's no time to dream of what was, what is (wait that won't work), what will be. I doubt the 'big thinkers' of history (or now) have full time jobs, commute, spouses, parents, siblings, friends, children, email, text messages, sports, mow the lawn, trim the trees, clean the bathrooms, cook, watch the bachelorette and a few select housewives of where ever and are over due for an oil change.

I don't have all on the above list and don't know how many of my friends do it. I asked my boss if he ever sleeps with 4 kids, wife, dog, chickens, full time job, 2 gardens, 2 to-do lists (work/home), sports and everything else. He laughed and said when he can he does. According to Oprah one way to look 20 years younger is to sleep. I don't need a psychic to confirm that.

In psychic school they should teach that when they see life ending in 'that crazy cat lady' they should tell her that she will look 20 years younger than most women and will be surrounded with animals that will offer unconditional love. Sounds great doesn't it?

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Years ago, I asked a palm reader if I would have kids. Her pause was loooong as she looked at my face then back to my hand and said, "if you decide to". I walked away thinking she didn't earn that $10. In my late 20's I realized she was right then in my 30's I realized she was right until I 'decided to' and it didn't happen. Now in my 40's I doubt it's possible.

Let me (again) quote my very wise friend, "no one can predict the future because it's always changing". Obviously, I struggle with this concept but I'm getting there with only 240 days to go and maybe in the end I'll even fit into my skinny jeans.

Here kitty, kitty...