day #375 no more left to go...

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I for one cannot believe that I reached 375 days.

Am I still a believer? You betcha. As I look ever so closely at the small scar that can barely be seen on left eye brow of the man who makes my heart beat faster I smile and laugh to myself. Is he 'the One' the shaman spoke of? Or is he just another guy who fell off his bicycle as a kid? I might never know but I am glad that I'm giving this relationship a chance and not seeking confirmation (or not) from tarot, psychics, etc. 

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Yes, my jeans still fit (a bit tighter) and this journey has taught me that I need to live my life using my own intuition and know that I have the skills to follow the path that is best for me.

This is my last entry (as far as I can see) and I want to thank my faithful follower. You have given me strength when I have wandered into the free-reading zone and you have always been a friend whom I cherish.

Goodbye for now and maybe forever. I'm off to live my life instead of trying to figure out what will happen next...

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day# 311 only 54 left to go...

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Wow, the holidays make life zoom by without time to do anything but eat, sleep, work, drink, and wonder how 2012 will show itself to be.

The chemistry man seems to have changed his mind. Maybe it was the holidays that softened his stance or maybe it was that I finally fit into my skinny jeans so I no longer cared what he thought. Let's face it, zipping up a pair of too tight jeans can make a girl feel that everything is possible. 

Men? Who cares?

Work? Who cares?

Drama? Who cares?

Wrinkles? Alright, I care...

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Whatever it was he has changed his mind and we are spending more and more time together. The other night he said he does not like the future to be unknown and asked if I thought our relationship will work. I about choked on my rib eye but instead confidently assured him that things would work out perfectly. Why not?

His question made me want to dial the shaman, the psychic who mentioned a love of my life or at the least a capable tarot reader. I used much restraint and have not pursued a seer to reassure me or to tell me to forget about it. This one I'm going to try to do all on my own.

Did I mention he has a scar above his left eye that is hard to see? The shaman's cassette tape is stored away thousands of miles from me which is probably for the best.

It's incredible that I'm on day #311 day with less than 2 months to go. I might still be as kookoo as I've ever but my jeans fit and I am taking this romance one day at a time...

day #275 only 100 to go...

100 days might not seem like much but these days it's been hard. The chemistry man shook me up and letting go has been a challenge. Maybe it's my fragile ego feeling rejected or maybe it's the intense chemistry that I keep remembering. Whatever it is, he's still on my mind. 

Admittedly, I did a numerology compatibility and it is just that, compatible. Wait, he doesn't want a relationship with me so any information is completely irrelevant and is like rubbing salt in the wound. Predictions, reading, or what my friends think just doesn't matter. 

These are moments my addiction whispers in my ear, 'maybe, what if, possibly' or other future thoughts that don't hold any value. Now's the time to dig deeply, get thru the next 100 days and be free, free, free of my addictions. 

For 275 days, I've been figuring out how to incorporate spiritual thought without it leading to predictions. As I type, part of my brain is focused on the words I wish to share, part is wondering if I will still fit into my skinny jeans after the holidays, part of me is wondering if there is such a thing as 'the One' and can someone tell me who he is.

This blog forces me to face my thoughts, allow them to drift by like clouds in the sky instead of clinging to them like chasing the end of a rainbow. 

Will let you know how it goes with the jeans (and the guy - we've agreed to be just friends). Sounds like a hollywood rom com doesn't it?

Enjoy the holidays and I'll be back in the new year to give you an update. I don't know about you but I'm looking forward to Ben finding love...

day #263 only 102 to go...

Well, the holidays have started therefore the eating and drinking has increased. The chemistry man became available so I went there, briefly...

"What are your intentions towards me?" he smiled while stirring the rice. 

"Uhhhhhhh...can you expand on that?" as I gulped down a larger than lady-like sip of chardonnay.

"I think it's a straight forward question. You look shocked. Don't you think it's best to discuss it now rather than later?" still stirring and not making eye contact.

"Uhhhhh...no one has asked me that before. What are your intentions?" thinking I could sneak past having to answer.

"No, you cannot turn the question back to me." smiling with full eye contact.

"Uhhh....I don't know." was honest but yet not.

"When you know please tell me." he said matter of fact while tasting the rice.

"Ok. I can do that." followed by yet another less than lady-like gulp.

Dinner turned to kissing. Night turned to morning (no we didn't). We made plans for another dinner. 

Finally, I was ready to give my answer so I sent him a message saying that I was ready to talk at the next dinner. He responded quickly saying he does not want a relationship, is leaving town soon, does not want to lead me on and wants to spend time together.

My soul was sad, my heart hurt. We've agreed to be friends (without benefits).

Allowing Life to flow is what these last 263 days have been about so this feels like a test and I am trying to see it for what it is instead of running to a psychic to see if he's 'the ONE'. To see if I should leave the door open or look for another door. He shut the door so that means he is not meant to be with me so instead of being sad I'm feeling more and more grateful.

Yes, this blog reminds me that things happen and no prediction in the world can tell me what will occur. Yes, he does have a small scar above his left eye but he is not Scandinavian. I cannot believe the shaman's words from 10 years ago are still rolling around in my thoughts. 

Before I know it, I will have made my last entry to this journey and walk away free of my addiction to predictions while wearing my skinny jeans!

day # 252 only 113 more to go...

Yes, the too tight jeans still fit and it's been over a week. Addiction free is working in many ways. One day at a time.

The chemistry man set me on fire and I keep reminding myself 'what is meant to be will be' and wanting to know the future is irrelevant. Reality is he has someone else so there is no relationship between us - I don't need a psychic to tell me this. I'm disappointed but it's good practice. 

With only 113 more days to go, I can't believe I've made it this far in my journey. I didn't know what to expect, I didn't know how hard it would be and I didn't know how deep my addiction ran. 

It's actually very freeing to be saying goodbye to the future and live in the present. I think I like it.

Time to put on my jeans, a cute sweater and take on the world!

day #243 only 122 more to go...

Another week has passed and I am still prediction free. Even better news I fit into the jeans that were too tight. Now that's what I call personal progress.

What more is there to say? Maybe being prediction free is fat free...

day # 237 only 128 more to go...

Yes, it's been two weeks and it seems my addiction has less of a hold on me but it still whispers in my ear. Today a friend told me that he is seeing an astrologer to help him with the choices he is currently facing. They can help right?

Last week a different friend told me that she's a Pisces in Ayuvedic Astrology instead of a Scorpio in 'normal' astrology. Woah, that's a big difference. So who is right? How can it be so different?

Halloween found me experiencing chemistry with an acquaintance. It's been a long time since I've felt that and as much as I enjoyed it I realized that I was wondering how he fits into my life. Could be as simple as he helped me feel again.

He is light haired, light eyed, thin, tall(ish) okay not 'tall', from an 's' country though not Scandinavian, and I haven't gotten close enough to see if he has a small scar above his left eye. Yes, the shaman's description is still in my brain.

Admittedly, I checked out our astrological compatibility and it seems like a great match but potentially full of challenge. But then again what relationship isn't? Maybe it's best just to stay friends with this one.

Wohoooo....only 128 more days to go!

day #205 only 160 more to go...

spells...that's a whole other topic

One day at a time. That's what it's been taking me and as the sunsets I know my life is one more day closer to what I don't know. See, that's why there are psychics, palm readers, free tarot so people can see what they are getting closer to. 

Just finished Power of Intention by Wayne Dyer and it has given me tools that I can use instead of relying on someone else. Granted, it took me 3 months to read but worth it. It suggests that I have the ability to make my life what I want instead of asking someone else how it will end up. Haven't given much practice to his steps because there are so many but just like my addiction to predictions I am moving forward albeit slowly but surely.

Wish I had more to say. I'm feeling freer and freer as the days go by so there is a light at the end...

day #193 only 172 more to go...

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That was a long stretch of no entries and you might have forgotten about me but I'm still at it and stumbling along the path. I'm happy to report that I'm less inclined to cruise the free spiritual sites and have made it more days than are left. Yipeee! 

The Psychic Junkie site has a survey - wonder how the response has been and what they do with the info. No, I did not fill it out though I might discover something about myself.

By not having readings, etc. I'm feeling less anxious because I have less expectations as to how my life will unfold. Maybe it's just my way of trudging through crisis, not feeling alone and needing to know there is hope for the future. Truth is, I'm exhausted by the possibilities all of the readings gave me and how they left me wondering 'why' when it didn't turn out as the readers said it would. I'm guessing there were opportunities I passed up because I was trying to make the psychic's predictions come true. 

This week I start a cleanse so it's off the chocolate croissants which will be tough though  just like being reading-free in the end it will be healthier and maybe just maybe I'll fit into those too tight jeans...

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day #179 only 186 to go...

This last week I was frustrated, hormonal and want to know my future.

No, I didn't accept the invite for the palm reader whom they call the Love Doctor. He had 2 one half hour sessions available the other day and to be honest, I was relieved to have been working. 

Palm readings are like chocolate croissants they are tempting but what good do they do me?

day #172 only 193 to go...

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I have less than 200 days to go.

I fit into a pair of pants that were too tight (those pesky jeans are next).

I have an appointment to color my gray.

I am testing anti-aging cremes.

Another year of my life has started and as much as I want to know the future, I am committed to this project. Someone told me that life would be boring if I knew everything. True, so true.

I wish I could say I'm cured but I'm not. If for some reason what the psychic said comes true and my beloved shows up before day 365 I might have to abandon this project. Just kidding. Or am I?

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A customer asked me to read her palm to which I laughed explaining that I have zero skill. If I ever do have a 'message' for someone it's spontaneous and certainly not about the future. She left slightly disappointed then an owner of a crystal/reading/woo woo shop said that she can work via the internet so can travel most anywhere in the world. It made me think of the many people purchasing internet readings be it astrological charts, angel readings, tarot readings or whatever else this young woman offers. It is a profitable business.

I think of how much time, money, effort I've spent looking for answers, a peek into the future and know there are millions of people out there searching for the same. Whether it's putting money into the hands of their priest or paypal for an astrological reading searching for faith is a financial endeavor.

Why are so many of us searching for answers to the unknown?

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I don't know why but just like chocolate croissants, I've cut back in hopes of becoming healthier, thinner and happier. I don't know if freeing myself of predictions and pastries will make me happier in the end but it's certainly worth a try...

Thank you for listening to my addiction as it speaks to you. Thank you for laughing with me and not at me.

I'll be sure to tell you when I can get into those too tight jeans.

day #158 only 207 to go...

I'm almost to the 1/2 way point. It's been a long hard few months and as much as I direct my thoughts to the fulfilling outcome I want for my life, the fears creep in. If a psychic were to tell me that my future is lonely (which they probably wouldn't) it won't do me any good to hear it so this is yet another reason to be prediction free. 

Last nite I confessed to a friend about this blog. I listened to myself over explain it as I tried not to be defensive. I laughed at the uncomfortable moments and felt myself cringe when she said "you know it's all bullshit, right?"

I defended my addiction by giving an example of a prediction that came true. Remember, the palm reader who told me my ex-husband would propose to me again in 3 years? He did exactly that and to the month. Ha. That justifies my addiction doesn't it? Granted that's one of the very few events I've been told of that came true but hey, it happened. Clinging to it lets me know that my addiction is alive and well.

Although I know it's foolish to dream of a future that is unknown but I still hope to meet my Beloved, travel Down Under, write as I sit on my porch overlooking the ocean, have a business card titled 'writer, athlete, business networking', spend time with teenagers and enjoy my Beloved as he comes and goes from my home (btw we'll have 2 homes). According to the psychic from 3 1/2 years ago this will happen within 3-5 years so maybe just maybe it will come true. Then I can yell to the world "see addictions really do come true!"

Until then it's best to enjoy the moment, treat myself and others with love and kindness (okay, I'm not always successful with this), and allow the future to be what it will as I come to terms with my addiction.

Just like with predictions, I've cut back on chocolate croissants so that when I meet my Beloved I'll be in my too tight jeans. Ha ha, just kidding (about him but not about my big arse). Wish me luck...

day #145 only 220 more to go...

369 days ago I had hopes of a romantic future though it was at the time a bit uncertain due to the lack of enthusiasm by the other party. It threw me into obsessive readings which for the most part raised my highs when they appeared to be hopeful and took me to dark places when they looked hopeless. Up and down I went until 145 days ago when I admitted to myself that I'm addicted to predictions and started this journey.

Some days are hard and others I don't give it any thought. Today is a hard one.

Doesn't Life always work out one way or the other? 

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This is where the struggle between 'fate and destiny' vs. 'free will' is for me. I might never sort that out in my head so throwing my hands up and letting go is really my only option. Just as Spartacus did in the season finale as he and his fellow slaves freed themselves of their masters by killing them all. He did not throw his hands up and give up he took change upon himself by following his inner truth, standing up for what he felt was right and just. 

Do my actions create a chain of events? Or was my destiny set long ago? These questions have been asked since the beginning of time and have created a multi-zillion dollar spiritual industry. Thank goodness for the free sites especially in this economy.

So, on day #145, I feel the anger and disappointment of my experience. My birthday just passed and I wonder what my future is as a next year of my life starts offers me new experiences to embrace and a pair of jeans that are going to fit.

Thank you for your support...

day #125 only 240 more to go...

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Has it really been 8 days? Maybe that's the secret to life = stay busy. If I'm busy then there's no time to dream of what was, what is (wait that won't work), what will be. I doubt the 'big thinkers' of history (or now) have full time jobs, commute, spouses, parents, siblings, friends, children, email, text messages, sports, mow the lawn, trim the trees, clean the bathrooms, cook, watch the bachelorette and a few select housewives of where ever and are over due for an oil change.

I don't have all on the above list and don't know how many of my friends do it. I asked my boss if he ever sleeps with 4 kids, wife, dog, chickens, full time job, 2 gardens, 2 to-do lists (work/home), sports and everything else. He laughed and said when he can he does. According to Oprah one way to look 20 years younger is to sleep. I don't need a psychic to confirm that.

In psychic school they should teach that when they see life ending in 'that crazy cat lady' they should tell her that she will look 20 years younger than most women and will be surrounded with animals that will offer unconditional love. Sounds great doesn't it?

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Years ago, I asked a palm reader if I would have kids. Her pause was loooong as she looked at my face then back to my hand and said, "if you decide to". I walked away thinking she didn't earn that $10. In my late 20's I realized she was right then in my 30's I realized she was right until I 'decided to' and it didn't happen. Now in my 40's I doubt it's possible.

Let me (again) quote my very wise friend, "no one can predict the future because it's always changing". Obviously, I struggle with this concept but I'm getting there with only 240 days to go and maybe in the end I'll even fit into my skinny jeans.

Here kitty, kitty...

day #117 only 248 more to go...

Ever wish there was a Eckhart Tolle or Wayne Dyer or Dalai Lama or Santa Hotline? Not just a website, podcast, tweet, or a daily affirmation email but a real hotline. "Hey, it's me and I'm having serious spiritual crisis today." My guess it would be a phone tree - "Press # for Eckhart". This would lead to "press 1 for living in the moment assistance. Press 2 for pain body assistance. Press 3 for ego assistance. Press 0 to discover inner space (which would be total silence until you couldn't take it any more and hung up or until the crisis passed).

The above thoughts led me to discover the Vatican Hotline which they claim "...when callers dial the Vatican switchboard anytime of day or night, a recorded voice will not ask them to press the pound key or hold; instead, they will talk to a human being who will tactfully and efficiently handle every call..." Now, that's a spiritual commitment.

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These last 6 days have been busy but that doesn't mean my mind hasn't had a few opportunities to wonder what it's all about. Of course, I have no idea that's why I'm prone to wanting to know the future. If you know me, you know I'm easy going, flexible and able to go with the flow so obviously there's an inner conflict. It's like when I stare at the chocolate croissants inhaling their intoxicating scent and hear 'you only live once.' Then as I reach for one I hear 'you have a pair of jeans that won't zip.' This is one time I don't need a psychic to tell me that too many chocolate croissants will make me fat. 

I admit that I have the psychic's phone number of 3yrs ago (no, it's not on speed dial) but I did delete the ex's even though I thought he was the man she said would love me. If I had a fancier phone I might have her contact photo though I doubt she looks so stereotypical. 

I haven't watched the out-takes of the Bachelorette when she and Lucas speak to a psychic. We all knew he would be rose-less sooner or later. 

Thanks for letting me talk about it, thanks for your support and thanks for helping me keep it real when it needs to be...

day #111 only 254 more to go...

Another 7 days and I'm still on track. Today, I enjoyed a couple hours of my favorite sport and feel better though the week has had some melancholia. Seems it's been going around maybe it's the summer time blues though that is supposed to happen in the winter. I don't know guess it's just part of life. 

My friend gave up predictions before I did and wisely told me up 'no one can predict the future because there are so many options.'

Maybe there are no answers and questions just perpetuate the circle of unknowns. How does someone know what will happen for someone else? 

It might not be about addiction to predictions maybe it's about wanting control. Think I might be getting somewhere with all of this.

Control is an illusion but my too tight jeans sure aren't...

day #104 only 261 more to go...

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Wow, it's already been a week. At my age time ticks by as if a day lasts a second. This week I worked + 40hrs which didn't give me much time for sports. I think it's sports that make me sane because I have been depressed the last few days. Guess all there is to do is accept it. Or ask a psychic what's next. I didn't but the thought sure crossed my mind. 

My thoughts went something like this:

"Geeze, I'm not happy."
"Hmm, wonder why not."
"Am I doing what makes me happy?"
"Yeah, I guess."
"Is there something different that would make me happy?"

"I do live in paradise, I do like my job, I do love my sports. More $$ would be nice and if my ex would change his mind, love me and want to be with me my life would be happier."

"Can't make him love me. Wonder if I psychic can tell me if we'll reunite. Or at the least tell me there's true love coming my way."

"Oh yeah, there's my addiction to predictions and 261 days still to go. No psychics or a free reading on the zillions of internet sites."

"I do have those unicorn cards for my friend. One little unicorn card can't hurt and I'm not asking about the future I'm asking about the 'now' or 'now-here' which sometimes feels like 'no-where'."

I admit this is breaking the rules but, I feel a bit better knowing there's a unicorn on my side. But, today, not even a unicorn could give me hope for the future so I headed to the spa. One future I can be sure of is one full of wrinkles but I'm not ready to embrace that on quite yet. 

day #97 only 268 more to go...

Seems I've been lacking in entries which doesn't really keep you on the edge of your seat now does it? Trust me, life is still a struggle even after 96 days. 

Instead of predictions I've been reading inspirational quotes from one of those flip note thingies from TUT. My mother is constantly having "ahhhaaaa" moments from him so she wanted to share. I took it to work which has given everyone a bit of joy. I know it doesn't predict the future and some days I admit it's kinda right on but it makes me think about predictions. Just don't read them you say? Well, if it were that easy I wouldn't be here in the first place.

The Bachelorette's search for love makes me wondering if 'The One' exists or if it is a story that Disney once told me as a little girl. Maybe it's 'The Ones' (plural) but no one is willing to admit it.

I'm also into the Ghost Whisperer and let's face it she has the most amazing husband in the entire world. Hollywood has me hooked on love...

I am proud that it's been since ???? that I've indulged in a prediction.

I am not proud that it's been since yesterday that I cried over lost love.

I am proud that I tossed the tarot reader's business card away.

I am not proud that I re-read a psychic reading from 3 years ago (no nothing has come true but then again she gave me a 3-5 year span so there are a couple of years left). 

Don't you just want to shake some sense into me? I sure do...

It's late, surf's up so that means I need to be out of bed before I even like to wake up. That's my life in paradise (well, don't forget my addiction to predictions).

As always, thank you for your support...

day #89 only 276 more to go...

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Whew, mid-June and I'm for the most part still on track. The fried chicken last nite helped though watching the Bachelorette does make me yearn for love. I had a moment last week wondering about 'career' instead of love so I think that is progress though I'm a bit late in thinking about it since I'm no longer in my 20's (or 30's). 

Why wasn't 'career' important to me? I bet an astrologer could tell me. They'd say something like, "looks here like you missed your opportunity to rule the world because you were too busy chasing love." Or, "scattered thoughts means you didn't accomplish anything." If I saw a palm reader they might explain how the fate line is totally broken which has led me everywhere and nowhere. 

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So for now, I'm here. Which if looked at closely = nowhere.

A kind friend assured me that Life's experiences have made me wise and sunblock will help with the wrinkles. 

Wish me luck...

day #82 only 283 more to go...

A random astrologer I met last year at a friend's house informed me:

"If you don't get pregnant in the next 3 months you won't have kids." 

"If this relationship doesn't stick it will be 7yrs. until you find love again."

OMG. No kids AND 7 years without love? Isn't that punishment for breaking a mirror? 

I'm not pregnant and if I have to wait 7 yrs for love I'll be waaaay past baby making days. Depressing. A few friend suggested I get a new astrologer.

I'm having a bad day and as I recalled what this guy said it makes me sad. And to make things worse I googled him and discovered he has credentials and isn't just some kook I met at a dinner party. My boss tells me he'll be here in August and I suggested she keep him away from me because I can't take any more bad news. 

Just another reason to be prediction free. Free to live life for now without expectations of how love will or will not happen. Free to love who, when and where I want without the stresses of if I should or shouldn't. Free to just be.

Thank you for your support.